Today has been brutal. I realized that I’m not yet totally happy. I’ve been pretending to myself because I felt that the work I’ve done on myself should have brought happiness.
I have found energetic boundaries. I have found gratitude. I have found freedom.
I have found literally every piece of myself. I am someone that 16-year-old me would look up to. I’m exactly who I was at 16 and so much more than I never knew, except now I’m not under the impression that I have to “grow out of it”. Now, it’s matured through true, divine wisdom, soul-aligned action, and life experience. I’m more grounded, more anchored, and more empowered.
It was never a phase. It’s who I fucking am, and I honestly fucking love it.
I fucking love me.
So where is my effortless happiness? Why hasn’t that anchored in yet?
Honestly, it makes sense that it’s not here yet. I’m still rebuilding my life. I’ve rebuilt my identity, but my reality is still catching up.
There’s this rhetoric that you can only find happiness within. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years, turning inward. I found everything in myself I’ve ever wanted.
But here’s the truth about this rhetoric. It’s bullshit.
Yes, you can’t find true happiness unless you can find peace and enjoyment on your own, unless you can be with yourself, unless you truly know who you are.
To be fully happy, you need union. Union within and union without. This is a very commonly talked-about concept in the spiritual community, but we often overlook all that it means.
Union within holds many different aspects in and of itself. Union with every piece of your soul, all the pieces of yourself that society taught you to hide. Union with the source, the divine. Union of the internal feminine and masculine. Union of your soul and your vessel. Union of your vessel and the Earth. Union of your unconditional love and your sacred rage. I could go on.
Union without is about connection in the external world. Union with your true community, your soul family. Union with your purpose in the world. And union with your true love.
I’ve seen all of this discussed, but one thing I have yet to see is the union of your divinity with your humanity. Actually, I shouldn’t say I haven’t seen it. Mary Magdalene and Yeshua have both been documented teaching that the goal is to live as both fully human and fully divine, and we need to talk about this more.
Because this is what they meant.
Union within= fully divine. Union without= fully human.
And the union of your divinity with your humanity is the last key to your complete fulfillment and happiness.
So if you’ve done the internal work and you’re wondering when the ecstasy kicks in, keep going. You’ve yet to have your reality catch up to you. You’ve rebuilt your internal world, but it’s time to release that part of the path and rebuild your outer world.
If you are ready for that, remember that the inner and outer need to be integrated. Use what you created internally to create the outer world, but ultimately know that your goal is to live as a divine being in a human life. You don’t need to give up human desires. You came here to experience them. Yes, including your wine and weed gummies. Your makeup and beauty routines. Takeout and a cozy couch.
Experiencing these isn't the distraction we fear it is. It's the reason behind these things. Using them to numb yourself or fit into society will distract you from your soul and your divine purpose, but if you’ve done the work, you know who you are, you love who you are, and you have a real purpose that you’re passionate about, you won’t be distracted. (Use your discernment with this, especially substances, and never do anything you’re not comfortable with or that doesn’t feel right for you, no matter what.)
Integrate this humanness into your divinity just as you integrate your love and your rage, your feminine and your masculine, and every piece of yourself that you’ll never abandon again.
And if this is where you are, building a life that integrates both, then you are already clear on your purpose, but you may not yet be clear on how things will unfold.
Begin by connecting to your purpose daily, like every other ritual you’ve implemented.
Just as you connect to the feminine within you, connect to the masculine and sit in meditation or journal about what your life’s purpose realized looks like, and what steps and decisions will bring that in.
You may feel like you’ve been trying to take steps towards your purpose, but the truth is that we will be delayed until we open the right door, or until divine timing meets us where we are. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong.
Keep going. Stay aligned and true to who you are. Take each step as it unfolds or comes to you, just as you did when you rebuilt your inner world, and the right doors will begin to open at the right time.
Slowly build this part of your external world from a place of alignment and overflow, and know that your true people and fulfillment are on this path waiting for you.
That your ascension is waiting for you.
Your Heaven on Earth.
Your ecstasy.