It’s me. It’s always been me.
I’ve been creating timeloops and guiding my own path since I was little.
My future self, past selves, and present have been supporting me. Leading me. Guiding me. They’ve been giving me hope and providing light in the dark.
And now the integration of these versions is upon me.
My future self is hope and wisdom. My past self is healing and adoration. My present self is gratitude and self-acceptance.
And every version is finally with me, all at once, in this very moment.
This is literal, not metaphorical. I can see through time. I’ve been creating portals to my past and my future all the way back to when I was seven years old and sexually assaulted for the first time.
I remember her. I remember me, as I am now, speaking to seven-year-old me.
Telling her it’s not her fault. Telling her that she won’t remember this for a really long time but that when she does, she will heal from it and do amazing things helping others.
I remember wondering who that woman was because I actually saw me, standing outside the bedroom where it happened. I remember thinking, in awe, ”Is that really me when I grow up?”
I remember when I lost the love of my life. I remember the version of myself from this past year, speaking to my 23-year-old self, telling her not to forget that moment even though I wouldn’t understand why. I remember telling her she was in love with him but wouldn’t realize it for 15 years. I remember thinking back then that I look different in 15 years than I thought I would. I remember asking her why it would take so long. I remember the sadness I felt when she told me I was in love with him. I remember pushing it out of my mind as a possibility. I remember the disbelief and fear I felt when she said I would go through a lot before I realize I've lost the only man I've ever loved.
I remember the same voice fighting for me every time someone doubted me. Every time someone told me who not to be and who to be.
I remember her support every time my ex-husband made me feel bad about myself. I remember her telling me that I would one day have the courage to do what I needed and that I’d become the mom I’ve always known I could be.
And that I’d be loved for real one day. I remember her telling me that the love I lost in my 20s will never treat me like that. I remember her on my wedding day foreshadowing this.
I remember her telling me that I was on my way back to him after my marriage ended.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve often wondered why I couldn’t let him go even 15 years later.
And now I know.
Now I know that it’s because I’ve been leading myself. Because my future self, and even my present self, continue to tell me and her that it’s my path. That I’m meant to find him again.
I feel her summoning me. I feel my past self reaching out and asking me if she should continue.
And I continue to do that, now, with my future self. Whenever I’m unsure of my next step. Whenever I'm unsure of whether or not I can make it, I reach out to her, and she assures me to keep going, as I assure my past self the same.
She shows me glimpses of what’s coming, just as I’ve always done for each past version of me.
My life is an endless timeloop. Every version of me is supporting and guiding the others. To my divine purpose. To my divine love. To my divine home.
And it’s in this timeloop that I have finally found my home within. That I have finally found the real me.
For a while, I knew that what I was finding in myself was real, but I struggled to see glimpses of her in my past selves. I wondered where this version was my whole life.
I couldn’t see. I couldn’t remember these pieces of myself that the world had made me forget. I couldn't see her because I was looking through the lens of what everyone else saw.
But through these timeloop visits, I have found her and anchored her into my present self. I can now see this version of me hiding under the mask of every past version I’ve been.
Underneath what everyone else saw.
I remember these core beliefs I hold now, sitting deep in my gut as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult trying to find something to grasp onto while the world flew in chaos around me.
Looking back, that’s exactly what it felt like for me. It felt like I was falling through my life trying to find something to stop me.
My core beliefs got lost in that chaos. I was constantly told I was wrong or that my voice didn’t matter. That I was overreacting every time I felt passionate about something.
It felt like I was falling through a tunnel, Alice-in-Wonderland-style, the world flying up around me, and to reach something to break my fall, I had to let go of those pieces of myself.
But I did it. I hit the bottom and then I climbed out.
I don’t need to find anything to hold onto now because I’ve created my own ladder. I climbed out of that tunnel with my future self holding my hand from the top, and my past self pushing me from behind.
As I sit here writing this, I am crying for the 20-year-old version of me living in a world of chaos that only she can see. Crying for her because she had to live like that, and crying because I am so fucking proud of her for all that she has yet to realize she is capable of.
I can feel a future version of me with me right now, with tears in her eyes as she remembers this moment with gratitude.
I can feel a past version of me calling to me from somewhere along the dark path I just came out of.
She feels what I'm feeling right now. She feels my adoration for her. She feels how proud I am of us.
And that will keep her going until she gets here, to where I am now.
An endless timeloop of the power and love I've always held within me.